How to Draw Beauty

Ever wonder to yourself how you can find a higher quality of possible dates? Tell me you haven't once pondered kicking up the bar of the appearance of those in your personal vicinity? Yearn of filling your immediate surroundings with the hottest of eyecandy?

I have come up with my own tried and true, never fail way of finding the most attractive people in a hundred mile radius of you. Maybe even the tri-state area. But you must follow my directions on how to go about finding these cuties to the letter, no skimping or corner cutting or the success rate falls faster than prom night undies.

The day before you set aside as the hottie viewing day is vital. First you must stop for ice cream. A gallon minimum. Don't hold back now. Pick up the ingredients for a killer sundae while your at it. Lots of nuts, fudge sauce, whipped cream, the works. Once you get home change into your most comfortable rags that barely pass as clothes. Borrowing your sons old ripped gym shorts with baggy ass and the elastic that quit is always a good bet. A nice shirt from the eighties the well meaning neibhor outgrew and you haven't had the heart to throw out will compliment this look. Don't waste time fussing over yourself or matching your clothes, you have serious work to do.

Next find the most disgusting job you have been putting off around the house to tackle. Use this time to clean out the gutters. Change the leaky litter box. Hell, for that matter, mix up all the left over paint cans out in the garage. The stinkier and dirtier the better.

Now without changing reward yourself to that hard earned sundae. Eat the whole gallon. Lick out the chocolate topping container smearing it across your face without a thought to the pimples breaking out on you as you eat.

Let your guilt get the best of you and go for a run to work off the calories you just consumed. Don't have to go far, just to the end of your driveway if thats what it takes for you to break a nice sweat. The more the glow the better. Never, I repeat never change your clothes.

Walk back into the kitchen and eat the left over Chinese take out straight out of the containers. Garlic chicken is good for the odor and spillability. The high salt content will help with your bloat factor.

Before you fall exhausted staight into your bed, dunk your hair under running water- but defiantly don't use any soap or shampoo. Skip drying and combing it.

The next morning is hottie viewing day. As much as you now long to peel off your disgusting clothes and toss in the trash before you jump in the shower, abstain. Opt for brushing your teeth instead. Knowing you will be puffy and broke out, do not look in the mirror to remember to wash off the little white toothpaste residue drool hanging out of the corners of your mouth.

Now is the time you will remember your taxes are due, or some other extremely important reason why you must leave the house. Without hesitation jump right on getting that done. Grab the previously stamped envelope and drive to the post office planning on dropping it in the drive threw drop box unseen. When you arrive there you will glance down and notice the stamp is your kids Scooby-Doo stamp and you must now venture inside the building to purchase a real stamp.

Slink into the busy building with your eyes downcast and assume the fly on the wall pose as you stand in line. Pray as you slouch there noone reconizes the stinky, bloated, zit covered rag-a-muffin with horrific bedhead as you stare at the tops of your mismatched flip flops.

Guaranteed when the line infront of you moves, the person right in front of you will turn around (maybe to detect the source of your putrid odor). He will be the most gorgeous male you have seen, surpasing even your wildest dreams. He will even be nice as he bounces back from his initial recoil from your appearance to tell you, "You have a little something right... there", as he is brave enough to touch the side of your mouth. Instinctively you will do the self conscious thing and turn away, were standing right behind you is a GQ underwear model also mailing his taxes. Would be nice if you have a witty pick up line ready for when these occurrences happen, or at least a plausible excuse for a bad everything day. Unfortunately though I usually just go into a mini convulsion and start squalking in a new language.

This trick is also good if you are in need of counseling, education or religion. The night before instead must be spent in a bar. Extra effective if you use your shirt as a bar rag, and pass out in your car. When you wake up the next morning staring at the plate of brownies meant for the church's bake sale, you will remember that was were you were supposed to be the night before instead of having jello shots drunk off your navel by a guy named Bubba. Conscience soul that you are you will drive directly to the event already in progress. As you walk in proudly holding your charitable contribution and reeking of stale smoke, you will run into your pastor who is speaking with your professor. Next thing you know, you will be talking to your councilor.

The other day I tried out my beauty drawing theory once again. Going through a rainy spell I had been forced to stay inside in my pajamas and eat. And eat. Early afternoon the sun pokes out suddenly and I seize my chance to run out and jump on my ridding lawn mower and take down my front yard that is fast becoming a rainforest. But first I don a hat, after all I am still wearing my acne creme in dots all over my face. I figure in all the eight seconds or so it takes my neibhors to drive by, they won't get a good chance to see me, they will be too busy admiring my freshly cut lawn.

First pass and I am alongside the road trying to get as close to the landscaping rocks as I can when my mower gets hung up on them. Being a reasonable woman with too much caffeine in me I start yelling obscenities. Knowing if I get off the machine, it's automatic kill switch will shutdown the motor and I am not able to both push and steer my lawn tractor at the same time. So I use my weight to try to rock it off. I am throwing my body in a seated position back against the seat, then forward against the wheel for momentum. I am busy humping my mower and grunting in effort when I see a hand signaling me to cut the engine. The hand is attached to a very well muscled arm, that is attached to some very broad shoulders. Shirtless six-pack jogger pushes me clear of the rocks. This guy lives in my neiborhood? Sure hope he believed I was just with the lawn service and the lady of the house, my well groomed twin sister, would never be caught dead looking like that. What really came out of my mouth was, "Squaaa-ahh-twitch- twitchy-ack-ack waa."